I think it’s a general rule that most parents believe that they are doing the best for their kids; however difficult to admit, it might be that sometimes, your best is not good enough.
Here’s a list of 4 things about parenting and parents I don’t quite understand:
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1.Feeding at strict hours, by a “parent-made” schedule.
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Starting as soon as the new-born is brought home, mothers and fathers come up with a feeding-plan: whether the baby is breast-fed or bottle-fed, he has to eat every 3 hours (or more/less). Later on, toddlers are served their meals by a certain schedule and the meals are mainly divided in 3: breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Why?
Studies and personal experiences of mother-friends have revealed that the best way to feed your new-born is “at demand”. Try to figure out the signs showing you that your baby is hungry and feed him. Forget about the clock, your baby is not a little “adjustable” robot. He may be hungry sooner than 3 hours or would rather eat lesser meals per day. As long as the baby is healthy and does not need extra- or special care, the best approach regarding feeding is your baby’s own approach. After you’ve identified the “hunger-signs” of your baby, feeding will only come naturally and smooth.
As for toddlers, you might think that serving them their meals at certain hours or moments of the day will make things easier for you. Then why are you even surprised that sometimes your toddler refuses meals or spends half and hour or more eating? We have been taught that we “must” eat early in the morning, then at noon and last but not least, before we prepare for sleep. But this does not mean that there is no other way. Listen to your toddler; observe him. Maybe he is not a “breakfast person” and would rather have a glass of milk in the morning. Or maybe he doesn’t necessarily prefer soup at noon. Adjust your meals and your cooking to your toddler’s preferences, allow him to express what he would rather eat and when, and he will soon create a schedule of his own.
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2. The “Don’t-Get-Dirty-Syndrome”.
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Many a times I have found myself being startled by a loud scream at the playground, a panicking scream coming from a parent or a baby-sitter. However, at observing what is going on, I could see no injured kid and nothing terrible having happened.
Then why the screaming? Oh, it must be the “don’t-get-dirty-syndrome”. Most parents and baby-sitters have it. I used to have it, too, carefully inoculated by my own parents. Yet, I’ve always failed to understand why this fear of getting dirty. Kids love getting as dirty as possible. Sometimes they don’t even notice it, until a panicked grandmother or a hysterical baby-sitter announces them that they are “a total mess”.
They were playing in the sand, what would you expect it to be? And why does getting dirty have to get in the way of playing?
I dare say that most of us posses a washing-machine. Moreover, I dare say that supermarkets have come up with so many washing-products that getting dirty is now the last thing on my mind.
What if your kid gets dirty? You can simply place the clothes in the washing-machine and the kid in the shower- and it won’t even take so much time. Let your kid explore the fascinating puddles and build mud-castles, there’s no harm done. And if you feel really relaxed, just join him and get dirty too. You’ll feel absolutely great!
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3. Saying “NO” too often and too much.
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Doesn’t it make you feel powerful? Doesn’t it make you feel like you’re in total control? Saying NO too often and even when it is not necessary is just another authority-issue concerning parents and kids.
Most parents expect to be obeyed and followed as if they were some almighty gods for their kids- however, most of the times, they are simple humans with authority issues. When they feel insecure or maybe just nervous, the easiest way to deal with the situation is to say NO to their kid. I bet that they wouldn’t even know how to explain why they said NO most of the times, should anyone ask them.
When I find myself very close to saying a NO to my kid, I try to think it up a little bit before verbalizing it. If Anne has her biscuits on one plate and her milk in a cup and she starts pouring the milk on the biscuits (and, yes, most of the times on the table, too), I tend to issue a NO. Deep down I imagine that things will turn messy and she won’t drink the milk and we will have to throw the biscuits away. But if I just give her a moment or two, I will see an ingenious baby-chef mixing milk and biscuits and eating them up with a spoon.
What I am trying to say here, is to save your NOs for real “NO-situations”: for example, when the kid runs towards the crowded highway or tries to bathe the kitty-cat. If you keep on saying NO to each and every action of your kid, not only will he no longer hear your NOs when he should, but you will also deprive him of the confidence of trying something new.
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4. Spanking. Hitting. Violence.
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My daughter has never been spanked or hit. She has no idea what this kind of violence is and she cannot understand what happens when she sees it. If we are at a playground and two kids start fighting, she is almost shocked and urges them to stop (in her own language); if she spots a parent applying corrections to a kid, she is speechless.
I have never understood how one can spank or hit his own child. I have never accepted it and I have never considered it as a good or proper educational method. Spanking is hitting and hitting and violence towards your child is wrong. When you feel like hitting your child, it is not because he has been “naughtier” than usual, but because you are getting tired or too nervous.
Even if some try to understand and accept spanking a child when the adult has a nervous brake-down, I cannot find it excusable. We do not go on hitting our boss or our employees when they make us really nervous. Then why should we excuse hitting a helpless child?
As for spanking as punishment (If-you-don’t-stop-yelling-I-will-beat-you) by a completely calm and lucid adult- this is absolutely intolerable. I will not talk about this here, but in a later post.
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So, this is my short-list of things about parenting I do not understand. They are not insurmountable issues and it is up to every parent to try to cope with them and understand what they really mean. The result will be a more calm and happy child and all the incredible joy he can bring into your life.
Good luck!
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